Dirty Sugar - Temptation Island 2

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I was just plain bored by the 11th episode, and not having made it to the end of the last series, I didn't realize that all the really good shit comes at the end.

All the coupled partners come together to discuss their dalliances, and their futures. Marky Mark asks them to tell their mates whether they wish to continue their relationships or move on. Every thinking member of the audience wonders how any of these mother-fuckers could possibly want to re-unite with their sad, greasy old mates. They've seen most of what we've seen. We've seen everything that they've done with people (mostly nicer people, for the women) who were decidedly NOT their mates. How could everyone resume the status quo?

I'll tell you how. This episode teaches us that lies are fantastic for making people feel better about themselves. Everyone denies getting/making dicks wet.

The topic on every viewer's mind after the last episode: Who Got Busy? The final episode gets straight to the point, albeit with flowery language. Marky Mark's voiceover narration tells us, "Shannon finally dropped her guard, opening her heart to Kevin." Fuck that. We came here to see girls open up much more than that. And judging by other female participants, she's lagging. "Both Edmundo and Catherine and Mark and Kelly used the urgency of a final night spent in paradise to deepen their (penetration?) newly-formed bonds of passion."

We cut to Mundo face-down on the bar after the singles leave. He's obviously devastated to be returning to Catherine.

The final bonfire begins as Kelly teeters in high heels through the sand. She does breathing exercises while Mark slo-mo walks in. In an attempt to control the squabbling, Marky dictates, "This is not a dialogue." He tells Mark to go first, and instructs Kelly not to speak until he's done. "Tell her what you want to about your experience. Speak from your heart."

Mark looks distraught as he starts, "I thought we were unbreakable." He quickly goes on the offensive. Debbie's girl goo is still crusting on his condom and he's accusing Kelly of getting into bed with some other guy. His voice cracks as he tells her he bonded with the girl "with the cowboy hat on." Still Kelley shows no emotion. He keeps on with the lies and torture, "…and on my final date (…) we didn't have sex. (…) Everywhere we went (Debbie's bed, too?) I wanted you there." She finally cracks and gets all scrunch-faced with emotion. Mark continues, "Even though you're lacking some things, I would rather be with you." He couldn't come up with a nicer way to say that. I hope she dumps his gay ass so he can go back to abusing male prisoners with a plunger, the sadistic fuck that he is. Kelly wipes away her tears, and I notice her sparkly purple nail polish is chipping. The sure sign that a slut's been getting busy. No time for a manicure.

Kelly responds by telling him this was the "first time in my life I was ever alone." Yeah, alone with Tom, alone with Ali, etc. She confesses that she kissed Tom and them "flipped out" because Mark came into her mind and she felt "so wrong." She reminded herself she was there to be single, but not in a Christian sense. Attracted to Ali, she found herself naturally "snuggling" up to him. Ali told her she was great no matter what her control-freak boyfriend might say to disparage her. Mark looks pissed! Years of emotional abuse, undone in one reality t.v. series. "I didn't sleep with him, but I let him treat me like a lady." A lady poodle, I hope! Crying pretty freely, Kelly concludes, "I so realized (…) I have dreams and needs and wants, and I don't want to put them aside anymore. I can't stay in Tampa." I can't argue with that. "I realized that I have to get out of this relationship."

YES. The crowd goes wild.

Like the caring gentleman he is not, he throws a kleenex or something at her and wordlessly walks away. LOSER. And a bad loser at that. Go back to the model. She still doesn't know any better.

O.K. I gotta hit the pause button. I can't believe these lame, exhibitionist fucks are actually doing the smart thing and breaking up! So exciting. Real change. Loose change, but real nonetheless.

* * *

The camera bobs woozily on the ocean, surveying the bonfire from afar. Through some fancy editing, Shannon appears to walk through fire to join Marky Mark. She busts out her best red tube top for the big re-union. I know that these bitches are just going to lie to each other and get back together. I know it, I know it, I know it. She hugs the Tool. She seems needy and unsure. No surprise there. (She's wearing upside-down crosses in her ears. Has desperation led her to Satan?)

Marky begins, "Before you see John, I wanted to have a chance to talk to you, give you a chance to talk to me." Her face falls a little, so the REAL Shannon is actually going to make an appearance tonight, I see.

He continues, "It's not my intention to push your buttons, but it is my intention to ask questions that are maybe not easy to answer." Please note, whenever someone denies something they haven't been accused of, they're guilty. Marky chastises her for trying to control the proceedings with all her secretive communication. He tells her "those notes never got through. For you, it may have been just fun, campsite sort of fun to get a message through to John, but it might also have been to give you a little bit of solace to think that (…) John knows I love him', (…) Are you OK now?" "A little vulnerable," she answers, her head bobbing like a chihuahua in the back window of a beat-up Pinto.

Marky asks, "Have you learned anything from these feelings? They're forced on you whether you want them or not. You're in it." She say, "I've learned it's O.K. and to draw strength from it. And that I'm not a weak person for feeling vulnerable." Extreme close-up on her face the whole time. Not kind camera-work. I know I mocked her tube top before, but she has some really lovely glitter all over her décolletage. I approve whole-heartedly. Johnny walks up with a smile on his face, an honest-to-goodness, I'm-so-happy-to-see-you smile. She still appears freaked out, and won't even look at him. The control-freak needs to let go so Shannon's squishy side can get back with her man! Marky instructs her to speak first, then prods her to speak first. Shannon says, "This was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life." Oh, these soft American women! I notice there aren't a lot of Afghans or inner-city welfare moms on the show, 'cause they couldn't make some such dramatic statements about an all-expense-paid tropical vacation. Shannon feels there were so many negative things on the island, and she didn't know how to handle them, so tried to surround herself with the positive. John sheds a tear. I damn near follow suit. Wasn't I just ridiculing this guy for rubbing himself all over Nayla? Right this instant, I happen to think he's a sweetheart.

She admits she got close to Kevin. She says that on their last date, "We shared some really intimate things. We went really, really deep. (…into her alimentary canal? Or does she do anal?) Then she goes into her girl-power spiel about respecting herself and not settling. Just when you think the break up is imminent, she flips into a whole other gear. She says, "I'm sorry that I've taken you for granted, mothered you, put up a wall that wasn't real. I judged you by standards of my past and I should have never done that. (…) You're not my past, you're hopefully my future (…) I want to cherish you like I never have before and I'm sorry I didn't do that."

O.K. she got me. Take note, say all those things if you ever want to talk someone back into your life. Hit all the right notes.

John is acting weird. He says he had a lot of fear. He also says Nayla IS Shannon, with a mirror image of her past. He adds that Nayla helped him through this. Another thing that helped him get through this bacchanal was to read everyday a letter Shannon had given him. He concludes that the letter took him right back to her. In the end he says, "I have herpes." No, I'm kidding. He says, "I'm gonna give you the herpes." No, again, I kid. He says he desperately wants to be with her. He declares, "…and the rules must be broken now" as he grabs and hugs her. She weeps into his shoulder, "I was so scared. I love you so much." It reminds me of the beginning of Dogma when the angels go to the airport to watch cheating scumbags emotionally re-unite in shared ignorance and weakness. Only Kevin Smith, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck did it funnier.

Marky smiles a scary, mad scientist smile, lit from beneath like a demon from the Paramount Back Lot. He wishes them the best and sends them on their way. They walk off into the jungle.

* * *

Catherine's reunion is next, and looks like she's going to vomit. She's also all glittery, looks a little bloated, and didn't get a chance to style her hair. She says she's scared it might hurt Mundo to hear what she has to say. I'm thinking that her scraggly appearance might cushion the blow. Marky says to her, "As you look so differently to me than when I first met you, be prepared that he may look different to you as well." Her face crashes to the floor. Mundo slithers in wearing white pants. He smiles warmly at Marky, but puts a serious look on his doughy face for the girl. She tires to warm him up with a friendly smile, but gets nothing in return.

Mundo says the experience was very different than he expected, and that he didn't expect to have any feelings. He tells Catherine about his experience with Hilary. She's got a look on her face like she could stick the heel of her shoe in his eye. He also quickly takes the offensive tack. Here's a guy who's had his dick in more different holes than we can count, and he accuses her of having "flirtatious eyes" when they brought "that character Brian" on the island for her. He jauntily tortures her with tales of his perfect fit with Linda. She looks pissed. Let's hope the anger doesn't dissolve into fear and leave her at his mercy. He says, "I love you and…" now I'm going to demonstrate that love by dumping a pile of shit on you by describing how I like this other girl and want to pursue my interest. In is most winning monotone, he tells her he wants to work things out with her, but only if she will let him date Linda as well. She is sweating at this point, literally. I swear, I think she is going to hurt him. Every time the camera moves from her eyes to his face, I am surprised to still see him sitting there. If she could have, she would have reduced him to a pile of ashes.

Now Marky tells Catherine to "speak your heart", but doesn't give her permission to spit in anyone's face, though that's what it looks like she's working up to. Catherine says, "this experience, this journey was harder than I ever thought possible." As were the cocks of 3 or 4 willing single man-sluts. "Things that I saw at bonfire…devastated me, disappointed me." She says the pain allowed her to let down a wall, stop protecting Mundo, and put herself first. She continues, "I met 3 very special people on this trip. They told me things that I hadn't heard in so long, Edmundo. Those 3 guys opened up my eyes." "Eyes" as in lips and legs, truth be told.

He's got a look on his face like she's telling him what she wants in a shoe. In fact, I think he's spending some quality "me" time remembering what Linda looks like naked with her ass in the air.

Catherine denies having slept with Brian. She tells snakepit-Mundo that she wants to be appreciated and doesn't want to be thought of as naïve. Holy Mary Mother of God, that's when I realize that she's giving him a chance to stay with her! I'll have to get her number for the next time I want to wipe the shit off my boots. She's a fully functional door mat.

Catherine says, "I know exactly what I want to do, and I know I can do it on my own." He has the resigned look of a sadist that sees his victim just grew some balls. But then she disregards all her "powerful woman" crippity-crap, and tells him that she still wants to be with him and doesn't "expect him to pursue other people." This is when he realizes he has made a mistake in the way he stated his final decision. He said yes, I'll work it out with you if I can see other people. She responds yes, let's stay together, but you can't see other people. They sit on their separate corners of the bench until several, very painful seconds later, she reaches for him and they embrace. He says he won't easily leave behind the emotions he's felt on the island. She says she won't hold anything against him. Marky says (in so many words), "Get away from my bonfire. Your journey here is over." His final mocking cry of, "Best of luck to you to" = the death knoll to the relationship. You know these 2 are going to break-up off-camera.

* * *

Finally it is Nikkole's turn to reunite. As usual, she seems downright ballsy, ready to face the fire. Tommy has on a scary face, as per usual. They don't look at each other. Tommy has to speak first, but protests. Nikkole actually looks really peaceful. Tommy lies to her, telling her there wasn't anyone that he connected with. Nice how he cleaned up the Kristen diss by deciding after the fact that they had never actually connected. He says in an off-hand manner that Nikkole probably saw him kissing (with every inch of his hard cock) the girls, but that it was more physical than emotional. He, too, takes the offensive, chastising her for having a "..guy on top of you (…) tonguing you down." She works her patented ethnic-girl, bird-neck movement in response. "That was pretty heavy, man." He calls her "man". Isn't that how every girl wants to be perceived in a relationship? He says that Nikkole did worse than he did. Her head does the bird jerk all around on her neck in response.

Tommy tells her that she's a wonderful person but doesn't know if they bring out the best in each other. "I don't want to break up like this. I think it would be in our best interest, ESPECIALLY YOURS (scary), if we had some time apart." Her eyes go instantly red. It's enthralling to watch the human face shape-shift like this. The eyes really do give it all away.

In a light-hearted tone he talks about how he would "love to work things out." He stumbles over his words as he says "We have had some good times, I mean, you're worth it to me. At the same time I don't want to hold you back." His eyes shift back and forth as he tries to squeak out this lie with some semblance of credibility. A tear sneaks down her face. He hasn't talked to her face or looked in her eye once the whole time.

Nikkole says she came here thinking it was all about her engagement ultimatum. At the final dinner they bickered, and he had a chance to show her he cared by sending a video afterwards, but he didn't. So she "opened herself (her clam) to other people, and I did meet someone who opened my eyes (cooter) to a lot of things. (…) We both are very good people. We're just not good together." Marky, apparently forgetting what trash t.v. show he's on, remarks, "That's your final decision?" "Yes," she says.

I'm amazed by how honesty cleanses people. I've been ripping on them for months now. And here they lay themselves open at the end, and I'm touched by their vulnerability. Note to self, use vulnerablity angle next time I want to get my way.

Just when I think this harrowing journey is over, the camera follows the freshly dismissed ex-couple away from the bonfire. They hug and she tells him she loves him and says, "You knew this was going to happen, right?" He says, "I miss you." She continues, "The video tape I saw was really bad…" They discuss his pantless condom behavior. He plays it cool, like being boxer-clad with naked chicks is a sign of chastity. He goes back on the offensive, like all practiced scumbags, and tells her how everyone saw her spread-eagled, getting kissed "all the way down". She denies it. He defends his crotch sniffing because it was in public. He calls her "Baby" and belittles her feelings with false words of consolation. I feel dirty because all this shit is on camera after they've already been told their "journey's over". They probably mistakenly believe that this conversation is private.

As it turns out, the epilogue reveals all the post-bonfire happenings:

Catherine and Edmundo "exchanged intimate details" about their island experience" and broke up. Kelly moved out of Mark's house and "they remain friends". Fuck friends? Inquiring minds want to know. "John and Shannon sequestered themselves in Shannon's house for 5 passionate days." I have to assume heavy-duty fucking ensued. Butt-sex was inevitable. Neither of them can walk without pain, and John now requires an adult diaper. "John moved in a few days later." Nikkole moves to L.A., far from Tommy New York and then moves back into Tommy's house 2 months later. LOSÉRE (That's the feminine version of the word.) Masochists rule on this show.

I feel empty. Is that all there is?

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Episode 11

We, the seekers of smut, were ROBBED in this episode. It was all misty slo-mo edits to nowhere. It wasn't even as suggestive as daytime t.v.

The show opens on the beach as the girls choose their final dates. Catherine, sporting a hard-won, stuck-up bitch look on her face, goes first. There's a montage of black-suited Tommy, life-raft-wearing Rossi, and her pussy's and our favorite, the sultry Brian. She says she's choosing someone who's "made her feel things she hadn't felt in a long time," a glimmer of self-esteem out from under Mundo's shadow. She describes it as "pure happiness." She adds, "I'm in no way finished exploring him," and gives her red flower to Brian. Tommy looks close to tears. They don't show Rossi's expression. He's probably got his dick out. Brian rhapsodizes to the camera about how much he wants to fully take Mundo's place.

Marky Mark smiles evilly at Shannon and calls her to bat next. She chooses someone she says makes her feel "passion in life." It's Kevin, world champion windsurfer. He actually seems like a nice guy, that is until he refers to Shannon as "a special person". That means "retard", right?

Of course, Nikkole chooses Tommy New York, who tells the camera, "As long as I think that I changed Nikkole's life for the better, if that's all that comes out of this relationship, which I don't think is gonna happen, then I'm a happy man." Kinda sweet, I gotta admit. They should give him more screen time. He really is a heartthrob. Even Marky thinks so, and loudly greets him as "Sexiest Man Alive!" when he walks over to stand in line with the chosen few. Everyone looks uncomfortable. The host looks genuinely hungry for a final date with NY Tommy himself.

Kelly chooses Ali, explaining that, "There's something about his eyes." Ali is single-handedly rehabilitating the reputation of Arab-Americans. He, too, seems like a genuinely nice guy, like all the others that will be dumped for old assholes at the end of the next episode.

Marky counsels the daters, "Don't waste it. Don't leave any regrets." The un-picked losers look bitter, and then there are teary good-byes and hugs all around, particularly for Rossi, who can know go back to entertaining at children's parties in his little outfit. Nikkole says, "Tommy New York loved Rossie like a brother and thought the best thing would be if he didn't have to put up with Catherine's bullshit". (People are down on Catherine for her treatment of Rossi, but nobody's chastised her for her bad make-up.) Rossi's lesson-learned was "don't settle". He adds, "Brian didn't take her from me. She was never mine to begin with." Wow. He talks pretty when he's not all liquored up.

The losers climb onto horseback and gallop away to emotional strains off the soon-to-be-released TI2 soundtrack. Shannon and Kelly lie in each other's arms, seeking solace the men apparently can't give.

* * *

At the men's resort, Nayla remarks, "It feels like a ghost town around here." The camera pans over miles of empty, un-made beds. There's a lot of hugging and crying among the single women. Kristen's take on the Nayla/John thing: her emotions are involved and she thinks that freaks John out. "I kind of feel bad for her." Tommy reveals that Kristen is the one who came to him before final date selections and told him she didn't feel comfortable breaking him up from his girl

The Good-byes in this camp are not as emotional as they were on the other side of the island. People stand around trying to look polite, with the glaring exception of Tommy who's standing on a boulder shouting, "Kristen! Kristen!" at the receding horsewomen.

* * *

It's the next to last day on the isle, and they jump feverishly between the 4 final date couples. In the Poontango camp, the camera scans 3 sets of slutty couples lounging in bed. Shannon remarks, "It's kind of coupley now. (…) You'd think that these people were dating for years and years and years."

Shannon and her date go to the "Punta Islita Hotel". They put an "n" in Puta since the prude Shannon is coming to be their guest. She and Kevin love their shared silences. "We're saying 1,000 words back and forth without saying anything." (Saves energy for windsurfing.) Shannon says, "I did feel the urge to be romantically involved with Kevin. (…) I know Kevin is the type of person that I want in life, but I was never really open to it." The two take pillows and comforters outside and sleep under the stars. He speaks of "suppressed desires". Shannon tells the camera, "…that night I just let myself be open to it. I let him in my world and he was fabulous." Shared bedroom, but outdoors with no privacy. Very tricky. Did they get it on or didn't they? I say no nooky on this date.

Nayla and John stay at a resort at the base of a spewing volcano, and they hike to an underwater river cave. Not very upbeat. Later they get massages. "We go naked?" asks John. He tells the camera, "When you're without your mate for 30 days (has it been that long?) is when you discover if you're in love." I think I actually saw his penis take over his brain. I feel absolutely sure that they are going to bump uglies, and then pfft, they go to separate bedrooms. I don't buy it, though. John seems like a right tricky bastard. Maybe he'll sneak in through her bathroom window.

Shannon tells the camera, "This journey was about soul searching. It wasn't about hooking up with someone physically." Where are those rules posted?

* * *

Mark tells the camera, "If I didn't have a girlfriend I would've fallen for Debbie a long time ago." He's basically re-stating the fact that he's going straight back to have his cake as soon as he's done eating it.
Debbie acknowledges fear as she and Mark smear each other with with mud. "Who am I to say that he should drop everything for me?" She doesn't let her fear get in the way of hot, unbridled fluied exchange, and they say goodnight to the camera crew and disappear into a shared bedroom.

Mark gives me the willies. He says he didn't know what (who?) he was getting into on his island jaunt, and he hopes Kelly "hasn't' cried a whole bunch." Cut to her laughing ecstatically on Ali's lap.

We see Kelly and Ali drinking in bed together on their date. Kelly says, "Ali and I share something that most people can't even explain." (a double dong?) "He gave me the things that I've been missing, that I put off and thought they they weren't important to me. (…) He showed me what it felt like to be treated like a lady and to be put on a pedestal" both notions of which I could fully make fun of and inject perversion into, but they actually seem really sweet together.

Mark thinks his year and a half with Kelly carries more weight than his couple of happy days with Debbie. His ears stick out.

Kelly says,"If I could delay seeing Mark for another week, I would."

* * *

Nikkole and Tommy New York boat through the jungle and say how happy they are to have time alone. Nikkole says Tommy "my boyfriend" (still?!) is more of a drama queen than she needs to deal with. When she's away from him the real Nikkole comes out, laid back.

Tommy and Katie take a plane and 2 boats to a secluded isle. They talk about his relationship with Nikkole. Katie describes him to the camera as "not there. (…) He was just scattered." Two other women have freshly dissed him. Katie tries to cajole him into having a good time, but he says he just wants to get it over with, just wants to hear what Nikkole has to say. "I'm just ready to, you know, handle it." He equates his relationship to a half-sunk, burning, listing ship at sea that may still make to port safely. He doesn't, however, paint himself as the mutinous scallywag that made it that way.

So they have a lame-ass, no fun date, ending with a friendly hug goodnight and a "sleep well" before they part. No sparks here.

Nikkole and Tommy NY watch green sea turtles lay their eggs in the pouring rain, then return to their shared room to roll around.

The next day, Nikkole says she needs more time. Tommy NY tells Nikkole, "Just don't be afraid of being alone." He tells the camera, "Chicago's not that far from me. I'm sure I'll be in Shytown soon."

* * *

Catherine and Brian take off in hot air balloon. Brian says, "In the next 24 hours I hope that I can make her see that maybe we have a future together." They show Brian controlling the hot air nozzle to lift the balloon, which pretty much sums up his tack in trying to win over Catherine these past few days. He should've stuck with the physical attraction angle, remained the strong, silent type. His illusions about Catherine are going to come screaming down to earth like that hot air balloon would if I pricked it with my sharp tongue.

Catherine spends their last dinner together talking about her disappointment with Mundo, and you just know she's going to get back with that greasy bastard. Brian asks her what she'll do when he makes excuses for his bad, naked behavior. "You know, I'm gonna go with my gut." Brian is depressed that these are their last hours together. He sees the future in her gut, but continues trying to woo her until the bitter end. Of course they sleep together.

Meanwhile Edmundo and Linda are all over each other. He describes their match by saying, "It's not smothering with Linda. You know, it's mutual." Later that night they're at dinner, drunk and giggling. They talk a bunch of crap about their feelings, and then she whispers in a long shot, "Now could I do what I want?" He asks, "What do you mean?" She clarifies, "Like whatever…with you." He jumps at the chance, "yeah, of course." She demurs, "I don't know if you feel weird, you know?" He assures, "Not at all." So these 2 are definitely going to fuck.

* *

The next day, all the singles leave.

The coupled stand around, staring at the ground. The coupled girls watch tearfully as their horseback-riding dates disappear.

* * *

The preview for the next episode shows Marky asking, "Are you prepared to hear something you might not want to hear?" The voiceover narration promises, "A spiraling confusion of excitement and fear descends upon the island," and adds, "Someone on the island will be leaving alone."

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Episode 10

We join the girls at their final bonfire. They approach like a squadron of spitfires, all in a line, holding hands. (Is there some chance of a surprise, twist-turn, lesbian ending to the series?) Mark offers them the choice to watch videos from the other side of the isle, from video cameras which may have been rolling when the boys were not aware they were being taped. Do they wanna watch? Again he starts with Shannon, who is by now looking like a straight-up seahag. Nikkole interjects, "Shannon, no headphones, right?" Did she also command her earlier to forsake make-up and hair-gel?

The video rolls and they all watch Johnny & Nayla hugging, fully clothed, in bed. At the video's end, Shannon smiles, assures the girls that she's all right, and says, "It is exactly what I thought it would be. It was just him really bonding with Nayla and I wouldn't expect anything less of him. (…) I hope he's getting the questions about our relationship answered." About Nayla she says, "Honestly it looked like she was really upset. It's not like they were in a real intimate place. (…) I think that he's (…) probably going to hurt her in the process. I mean, that's my hope." She looks like she's trying to talk up the joys of retirement to Enron employees. The others point their disbelieving faces away from her.

Next Mark calls on Catherine, who moans aloud, but agrees to watch. We see Mundo pressing against Linda at the bar after dark. He's droning on and on about how she's different than the other two girls he dated (fucked around with?) on the island. He doesn't view her as a sister or a mother. So I guess their role-playing will be limited. Catherine takes it in stride, saying that "once again, he came off looking pretty foolish". She says she feels emotionless and wishes he were presenting himself better. "He's not speaking very eloquently," she adds. This from the girl that was falling for that "you're a rare butterfly" pablum from Rossi.

In the meantime, the camera keeps panning back to Shannon's stern, introspective face. Looks like not even she bought her own bullshit. You can practically see the ugly truth pinging around in her skull.

Kelly decides to watch the video this time around, and her reward is the sight of Mark and Debbie whispering sweet nothings and making out in the hammock. Kelly remarks, "I so knew that was coming," and giggles. She looks dead-serious while viewing the video, but afterward describes it breezily as "him just telling a girl he enjoyed her company and some kissing."

Cut to Shannon's by-now-familiar fake-ass smile. I think she imagines she has a partner in lunacy with Kelly's blithe reaction to Mark's lovey-dovey, full-body make-out. Butt Marky Mark helps Kelly clarify her feelings, asking if her attitude is "well, it's all good. I've done it…" She counters, "Well it hurts, emotionally it hurts. (…) I'm watching my man kiss some other woman (…) but I happen to think there's a lot of that going around on the island." ("That" being syphilis?) She continues, "…so it's o.k.," and closes with a laugh. She's a good little laugher, that Kelly. Maybe she's drunk.

Nikkole reacts to Kelly's jaunty reaction by lowering her head as if to disagree with her theory of "My slut's OK; your slut's OK".

Kelly adds, "It doesn't make me feel better, but it's acceptable. HERE it's acceptable."

Shannon prefaces Nikkole's viewing of Tommy's video with the masochist's anthem, "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." We all watch as Tommy, gyrating in bed, next to another couple in bed, pauses to remove his pants. Nikkole comments, "That's his prerequisite," apparently unable to point her razor-sharp mind at a word that makes any sense at all.

"What was it?" Marky the tool inquires. "Tommy about to get exactly what he wants," she answers with a laugh. "He's about to sleep with someone." They go back and forth on this point for a moment, and then the camera cuts to Shannon's look of abject horror. Grace of god be damed, the look says, there go I. Nikkole continues, "That's fine (…) and maybe it's because of the connection I made here. Marky cuts her off because she's not upset enough to fire up ratings. He reminds the girls, "Two things to think about from now until you leave. One is what drew you to the person that you came here with. The other is, who really is that person that you came here with?" Then he tells them that their final, intimate, overnight date experience is coming soon.

On the walk away from bonfire, Shannon convinces the other girls that she saw and heard Tommy getting a condom from the night stand in his video. Nikkole responds, "Brother man's gonna get busy. Oh well. My guy looks better than his girl!" Once again, her light-hearted experience with infidelity proves that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone.

Shannon goes on to assure the girls that she's really happy with what she saw and blah blah blah, on and on with her frantic lies. The others just politely look away and talk to the camera about how obviously fearful she is of the truth.

* * *

We return to the Manbore Tropical Resort where three of the guys are tripping hard on the videos they viewed at bonfire. Johnny is acting as counselor to their wounded egos. (I wouldn't go as far as to grant them heart-break.)

Mundo is saying he wants to talk to Catherine about what he saw in her video. He says he, "can't believe she's going to BUY that this guy really LIKED her." Ooh. Mundo reveals that the secret to keeping his loved one close is to keep her down. Can't you just hear him trash-talking her every second of every day? "You're gonna wear that? It's not that it makes you look fat. You really are fat and those pants just show it more."

On a side note, I can't believe I forgot to make fun of Edmundo's shirt last time, and he wears it for the entire 10th episode. Is there a stylist with a sense of humor on this show, or is this his lucky hunting shirt, soaked with the sweat of a million stupid girl-fucks?

Johnny tries to sooth Mundo in the wake of Catherine's infidelity by saying, "I don't think she really likes him." Mundo protests, "That was a passionate kiss." The next day, in a Brandon 90210 hair-do, he tells the camera that he was hoping Catherine would be naïve about his behavior. Now he sees that he's the one who's been naïve.

Tommy wants to go back and party down, but calls that a dead-end. Suddenly he's referring to Nikkole as "his girl". "I don't think these girls made the first move," says Johnny, defending the videos they just viewed of most of their women getting downright sweaty with other guys. I'm running clean out of denial jokes. These island-folk are testing me.

Who's not laughing at these cuckolds? Who's not laughing? I want to see a show of hands. Because I am laughing. Those girls having a good time stopped the boys cold!

Tommy & Johnny decide that fucking a girl you like would be better at the moment than fucking the hottest girl, which would only make you feel worse. Deep. Tommy's morose and wanders off. The other boys follow so that they can all be sad and sulk together. In a show of strength and maturity, Tommy tears off his necklace, stating, "I renounce my little red necklace that's supposed to remind me of my girl!" Edmundo follows suit and laughs like a retard (no offence to retards).

* * *

Back at Poontango Mar, everyone's eating flesh with their fingers. The mood at the BBQ is a little more sedate than usual. Marky comes down in white-pleated pants and I promptly slap a "KICK ME. I'm a tool." sign on his back. He lightens the mood considerably by stating that tonight is the last night that everyone will be together. Tomorrow the girls will choose their final dates. Furthermore, there will be no more sharing of video from here on out. They're free to whore around without having it recorded and re-played for their loved ones and millions of t.v. viewers. (Damn it all.)

The coupled girls and single boys party down on the beach with their limbo pole. A few take off for a swim in the ocean with glow sticks. Brian pushes Catherine hard on the Mundo front, shoving her face in all her "boyfriend's" bad behavior, trying to break her free so he can make her his own. She insists she has two days left and doesn't want to make her decision yet. He tells the camera he's sorry he pushed so hard into her thing with Mundo when instead he could have worked to further their thing together. Brian fears Catherine might yet go with Rossi.

* * *

At the Manbore Tropical bar, Katie gives her cocktail a hand-job as the group sits around reflecting on their time together. She tells the camera, "We all kinda got cozy and had a great time and danced and acted stupid." (Only that last part wasn't an act. They all donned colorful, plump feather boas for the evening. Mundo had on a yellow one, and 2 feather masks pushed up on both sides of his empty head.)

Edmundo admits Catherine's on his mind and he's done things he's not exactly "comfortable" with, "but it was a learning experience". Oh. I must try that line the next time I do whatever the fuck I want and step all over someone else in the process. He almost sounds sincere.

Tommy scrunches his face in pain talking about the mental and emotional anguish that Nikkole's causing him. He dances with the party girl with the fantastic bra-less boobs and talks to the camera about wanting to fuck around or get even to feel better. But then adds he doesn't think that's the route he'll take. (All the while, Jocelyn's macrame-bra-clad tits make several headless appearances in the montage.)

Johnny says this is the hardest thing he's ever done in his life. He's seen that he has faults and that they can be changed. He believes in emotional attachment one million times stronger than physical attraction (as long as it culminates in physical machinations, apparently). He says, "I didn't give a lot of girls a chance but with Nayla I really let that happen." Shannon is definitely going to kill herself.

* * *

A bunch of the single sluts leave the dance party to swim in the ocean blue. Katie says, "Of course Amanda and Caneel, the two freak-os of the bunch, they like, strip down naked, like full-on naked, like boobs and butts and everything." She goes on to describe the time as majorly kick-ass. "It was probably the most I've laughed in a really long time and it felt so good (…)" They couldn't get their jeans on over wet, sandy bottoms, so they streak buck-naked through camp and scamper up to Mundo's room where they are greeted as the "sarong bandits".

Meanwhile, Mark and Debbie romp in the surf wearing matching cowboy hats. She speaks lovingly of him; he says he's flashing back to Kelly the closer the show's end looms. They "kiss & cuddle" back at Debbie's place. (O.K., limp dick.) He feels "scared" that he bonded so with Debbie and doesn't think Kelly is having the same depth of exchange. It's a good thing he's not measuring the wetness of the exchange, in which case he would come up woefully short.

* * *

Cut to the island of the coupled female misfits. I think it's Tommy that jumps naked into the pool with a glow stick protruding from his mouth like an alien cock. Ali and Kelly take up a lot of screen time with major-league make-outs. Kelly states that she wants to get to know him "on a more intimate, detailed level." So she straddles his lap and wraps her arms and legs around him. Heavy petting ensues.

* * *

It looks like the island of Dr. Morose on the coupled men's side. "The mood right now is tense," declares Kristin. The experience was "a lot bigger" than any of us ever thought it would be. Amanda, with the understatement of the hour says, "I think everyone here has been touched by somebody."

The boys meet on the beach to vote off girls (by default). Mundo chooses Linda as his final date. Mark looks like he has to force himself not to choose Mark Walberg as his date. He heads straight for him with his long, long bird of paradise, but then veers around him to choose Debbie as his final date. Tommy slo-mo walks over to choose Katie, forsaking all the others he's dated during the series. One party girl wipes away another forsaken party girl's tear. Tommy states he chose Katie because she told him she felt unwanted, like the odd-man-out on the island, and he's "all about balance." Mm-hm. Balancing nubile young girls on the end of his cock, one after the other. John chooses Nayla, who proclaims to the camera that she's been afraid to be together with him at times, but now is willing to "let that wall down." (I think you know exactly what she means with that pretty euphemism.)

* * *

Finally, the single guys are paraded out so the coupled girls can choose their last dates. One of the guys is wearing yellow overalls and a red cowboy hat, but apparently left out the squirting flower and big shoes so the girls would take him seriously. Another guy's wearing a suit. Marky asks, "Who's first? Catherine, are you ready?"

* * *

Previews show "their relationships will be thrust into complete turmoil". And I don't believe they use the term "thrust" lightly.

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Episode 9

This evening we find the coupled girls at bonfire. Marky Mark notes to the women that sometimes the videos are completely painless, relieving. And sometimes they are painful.

You know what's really painful? Shannon's pinched face of denial. He picks her out first, and she responds with a sing-song "Thank you!" She giggles nervously and opts to view her video alone. After all, it's so much harder to lie to yourself with witnesses to the crime.

She watches Johnny confess his feelings to Nayla on lawn chairs, and she remarks, "He's a really nice guy." Marky asks, "So, you didn't get the sense that he liked her as well?" Shannon replies, "No, he talks to me a lot differently." I guess the question begs to be asked, does he hump you in the dark a lot differently?

The camera treats us to Nikkole's witchy, knowing look askance. She has shit-for-boyfriend, why can't everyone accept they're in the same boat? Shannon continues, "He's so nice to them" Yeah, if by nice you mean kissy and penetrative.

Nikkole opts to share the viewing of her video. She says, "Grab your seats, girls. This is going to be ugly. (…) It's gonna be white-eyeshadow girl, too." Ha! In the same breath I love and hate this Nikkole bitch. That's the curse of the smart mouth, I would imagine.

Nikkole watches Tommy and white-eyeshadow smooch on each other. "I've done better than that!" she declares, with whatshisname's cum dripping down her probably unshaved leg. Marky says in response, "sounds like you're not in the same place you were last time we met." Apparently the new dick has repositioned her. Nikkole says the new girl is not the sharpest, and that she feels she was always sharper than Tommy. Funny, I always suspected it was high SAT scores that got her on the show in the first place.

In the meantime Shannon looks like she's holding in a thorny turd, like tears and all manner of emotion are being choked back.

Catherine takes the laptop video with a look of dead-serious dread. I had to laugh watching Nikkole bug-eye it over her shoulder. The screen shows Mundo & Hillary tongue-tied and ass-grabbing in bed over the sound of whales and wind chimes. It's like island horror-movie music. Then the sound erupts of a rocket taking off, followed by some native-type guy singing. Catherine's face is double exposed over the couple making out. (Note to producers: editing tricks don't constitute actual 3-ways). Catherine bursts into tears and admits their relationship is one-sided. Mark Walberg lectures her, fingering the wound.

Kelly wants nothing to do with her boyfriend's video, and rounds out the pain-fest with, "I just want to be selfish while I'm here and deal with it later."

On the walk away from bonfire, Nikkole asks the girls, "Is that one of those room cameras?" One of them responds, "Yeah, it was pitch black." "Oh god," she rejoins, "Those cameras are better than I thought." Hee hee. Wait'll she factors in the interbot. She and Tommy New York are going to be featured world-wide with a donkey superimposed before she can say "meaningless island romance" 3 times.

The coupled girls scamper back to their boy hut to jump in bed with boy candy and listen to Shannon FINALLY break down and admit that she's worried.

* * *

When we return from commercial break, we're treated to video surveillance of Shannon writing notes to Johnny. We're shown video of the Shannon/Johnny couple secretly communicating at poolside as well. Shannon has planted her notes in all the common areas. Producers comb the area, pick up the notes, read them aloud, and LAUGH. It's comforting to see these weak and worthless types are safely in the hands of complete sadists. These guys make me look downright compassionate.

Shannon's notes include hints about how to date so as not to get laid. It's no wonder Johnny (who can't even look the camera straight in the eye) didn't go pick those up! In the immortal words of Woody Allen, "There's only one kind of love that lasts forever: unrequited love. It never lets you go."

Next we're tortured with a pain-montage of Shannon losing it with several different hair-dos. "I don't want to be here anymore," she sobs. "I can't believe this was my idea." I'm having a hard time being caustic and saucy here. Poor girl. She's a mess.

Cut to a genital herpes ad sandwiched between ads for a comedy and an action drama. That seems about right.

* * *

There are 2 dates left. Everyone chooses a date with whom they have to leave immediately. Nikkole picks Tommy New York. Kelly chooses Ali. Catherine (in shredded jean shorts, half-unbuttoned and folded down) picks Rossi. I sure hope 70's teen street trash is coming back into fashion.

On the other side of the island, Mark picks Debbie, LA model/actress (she doesn't say at what restaurant). Mark notes they're both "touch-feely" types. Everytime I see this guy I feel like he has a touch/feely finger down my throat.

John (who just dry-humped Nayla, and maybe more) chooses party-girl Kristen, who denies she is a party girl who "sleeps with everyone". Fresh from his latest conquest, I'm sure he's thinking, "We'll see about that."

Shannon takes Kevin, by her estimation, more a man of action than John (although John seems to be getting plenty of action). Mundo takes Amanda, and tells her he wants for he and Catherine to be on the same level in their relationship. (So, what, he wants Cath to dicklick a couple of the bitches before this show is through?) He also says he thinks he's been too hard on Catherine, and on Hillary, and on and on and on. That hard-on's showed up everywhere he has!

* * *

Catherine & Rossi "warmed back up to each other immediately." They hold each other under the falls conspiratorially.

Tommy on his date with Linda notes that he thinks about Nikkole every day, and says that he could be making a big mistake. In contrast, Nikkole has noted on her date with Tommy New York, "Being here has really opened my eyes to things I didn't know I should have in a relationship. Now I know to not settle for anything less." In contrast to her glowing praise of the new man, "Tommy couldn't get up" on their wind-surfing date. Hmmm. What would Freud say?

* * *

Back to Mark & Debbie, in a situation he proclaims is "love at first sight!" They make-out on the front of the boat. In a cinematic flash from one carousing, coupled slut to another, cut to Catherine stating, "I didn't know what it was like to play 2 guys, and I'm not playing." She chews on Rossi's fingers as her tits jiggle on the bumpy island road. And then cut to her crying because she's confused. Cut back to Mark & Debbie dry-humping on the hammock. "Why's your heart beating so fast?" Debbie inquires coquettishly. Let's just hope that's the only muscle that beats fast.

Mundo & Lindo go to the beach to fuck, um, I mean kiss, in a tent, away from the prying eyes of the camera. As a 2-time cheater, Mundo has some tricks up his sleeve. The producers manage to plant a camera in the tent by morning, so we're treated to the sight of sticky hands waking up with yet another girl on the island. He speaks rhapsodically about the moment.

Nikkole sees Catherine & Brian in bed together, and grabs Rossi to show him. "This is your lesson right now." It's shit like that that makes me feel like she deserves the sadistic Tommy she came onto the show with. I was really hoping for a bitch fight after Nikkole squealed on Catherine's 2-timing. Instead an old man interrupts the coupled girls' breakfast with drumming to signify another bonfire. Nikkole says, "Apparently something really juicy happened on the other side that they feel that we need to see."

* * *

At the final bonfire Marky Mark points out to the coupled guys that there are moments when the girls may or may not know they are being videotaped. He then poses the question to them, Do you wanna watch? John is first, and says he doesn't wanna, but he's gonna. All the boys watch as Shannon curls up with a picture of John and some baby. She is adoring it in a way that brings to mind convicts and/or stalkers. That kind of devotion for a guy that signed up for a 2 week getaway with media sluts = kinda creepy. John responds to the video with a big, gay hug for Marky Mark. One-sided cheating just FEELS good. Mundo watches with everyone. Looks like a shot of Catherine chewing on Brian's hands. Hmmm. Seems like hand jobs are her specialty. Funny, I would've guessed titty fucks with those expensive C-cups. Close-up shots show full-on make-out sessions. John shoots a snake-eyed look over at this fellow rampant cheater, Mundo. Eddie feels "concerned". But he says, "I' know what I've done."

Mark watches as Kelly sneaks into some guy's room and bed. "I have wet clothes on" ….and cut. Ooh. "It could've been harmless," he says, with the guilty taste of actress/model Debbie all over his face.

Tommy watches and states, "I'm sure the best is for last, too." He sees Nikkole fully caressing the back of the guy on top of her. The video is accompanied by dramatic drum beats. Subtle. Tommy seems comfortable with what he's seen. Illicit behavior is right up his alley. But then the anger comes out. "I definitely feel like a mushroom-cloud-laying mother fucker right now." Phbrrt.

* * *

Excerpts of next week's action include Kelly's pronouncement that everyone "jumped in the ocean, jumped in the pool, jumped each other".

I can't believe I don't need an I.D. to watch this soft-core crap.

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Episode 8

Evening 14 brings home the 3 lessons of TI2's reckless T&A extravaganza:

Despite having agreed to reclaim your mate's and your singular sexuality on public t.v., you will
1. act hurt, nay devastated when your mate takes you up on the offer
2. feel awash in guilt (or simple fear that you'll be caught out) after you rub up against your random island fling in full video-view, and
3. judge those other newly "single" sluts harshly when they do what everyone has, in fact, come here to do.

In a gorgeously perverse turn of events, the producers bring 8 new singles onto the island (every one hand-picked especially to appeal to each of the coupled islanders). This renders the current batch of surviving singles extraordinarily jealous. The coupled girls nickname their new men Fabio, Terminator, Permaflex and Brian. (Nice "nickname", that last one.) I never realized just how mediocre Rossi's body was until I saw Catherine's new beefcake single, Brian. I probably wouldn't even notice/mention it because I'm not a beefcake lover myself. (I like 'em thin and wiry.) But Rossi is such an overblown douche bag, I relish the opportunity to pick on his pigeon chest.

On the 15th day, the new singles are paraded out before the fast-dissolving couples. In Temptation One, the couples maintained some sort of dignity and composure when they were all thrown together with singles in the sex pit, um, I mean pool area. "Put your hand in the fire, but keep a look on your face like it doesn't hurt." On this Temptation Island they all act like Malibu teenagers getting bad advice from their divorced, soap-actor parents. "If you act like you don't care about your loved one's feelings, they will be ever more drawn to you!" When the soon-to-be Playmate of the Month Jocelyn makes her appearance, Nikkole is moved to mouth to her female compadres, "OK Tommy, close your mouth. Look at Tommy." (Jocelyn's got a butter face. Her body is traffic-stopping, but 'er face?…)

Another memorable moment comes when the Los Angeles Model/Mortgage Broker (there's a combination my money feels safe with) Caneel spits at the coupled females, "the BITCH is back!" She is quickly overshadowed by Haitian Magalie's naked stripper ass. "The BACKSIDE is back" wins every time. Marky Mark keeps referring to everyone as "gentlemen" and "ladies". It appears there are no English dictionaries in Costa Rica.

I'm pleased to report there are tons of sharp nipples in this episode. It's fantastic. The weather's been so-so on the island. I'm glad to see they're powering through in their bikinis. More highlights in the parade of fresh flesh include Nikkole gleefully noting "the look on white-eyeshadow-girl's face". Edmundo notes he misses Catherine but says, "Instead of feeling sad (…) just block it out of my mind." Maybe he can get a job as a relationship counselor after the show.

The new singles are set up on dates right away with our wayward island couples. Shannon remarks about her date Aaron, "His hair is horrible! I'm such a hair person." She notes it's more important to her than his being a "very intelligent, very nice guy" with a "great body." So now the appeal of dish-rag Johnny becomes more apparent.

Mark gets to date the 3rd world stripper who, despite my insults, is truly & fabulously sexy, and wide open to the exchange of bodily fluids. Didn't I say at first glance that this guy is G·A·Y? Well, this stripper confirmed it. He's got a masseuse and a stripper vying for his attention, and he won't let either touch so much as his foot.

Cut to horses and a woman in a white dress selling genital warts cream. I continue to get an adolescent giggle from these sponsors.

We return to the show to watch Nikkole force her date to birthday shop for Tommy New York. Somewhere else on this fantasy island, Tommy & Jocelyn are working up to an interpersonal drunk and disorderly during which they decide they're "both bad." (Actors? People?)

On Catherine & Brian's date, Brian notes, "We didn't really have to worry about coming up with conversation." They finished each other's sentences, as in the following exchange:

Cath: "He likes, like…." (she holds up her pinky, giving the universal sign for "small dick") and Brian finishes her sentence with, "…sticks."

Meanwhile on the Poontang Tango side of the island, the old single girls continue to rip on the new singles: "They really don't have any class." If this show has taught me anything, it's taught me that that's the cry of the forsaken loser.

After Johnny's date, he returns to find a last ditch "fuck me" party where girls have their asses in the air like god was handing out air freshener for the masses. He doesn't feel in a party mood, so he hugs Nayla and lures her away. He tells the camera, "that's what makes her attractive to me. She's got class." Sure, she's got class without the pesky "CL". I saw her wriggling that clASS all over him in his bungalow. We're treated to creepy underwater-sounding, hidden camera dialogue where he's preparing Nayla for his attack. I hit the mute button and enjoy (without his cheeseball come-ons) the scintillating brush against the shoulder, the squeeze of the thigh, the thrill of the unknown. And then the full body squeeze.

We re-join the Wango Bango side of the island to see the single men partying down with the coupled "ladies", and, oh, what a scene it is. Catherine entangles Brian in a lambada (apparently, still the forbidden dance, judging by the judging looks of the onlookers). And Rossi just plain loses it. This is a guy who's not even going to be embarrassed by his actions. (I guess that's where double digit IQs come in handy.) He was gross when he was aggressively slobbering all over Catherine; he's even harder to watch when he's all wounded pride and belligerent drunk. He corners people all over the bar, exclaiming of Catherine's new-found happiness, "thas just disrespectful." Beer in hand, slurring words of love(?), "I'm the perfect guy any girl would want." Shannon the den mother chimes in, "Catherine was all over Brian. First of all, it's a slap in the face to Rossi. She's totally jacked him around." Oh, pooh! Can we dump her face-down in a tide pool somewhere? No fun!

In a show of some primeval territorial pissing ceremony, Rossi throws water on Brian and dumps Catherine in the pool. Brian jumps in after his girl. The single guys laugh like FREAKS. The wetting down of the new couple does nothing to cool their flame. They end up making out on the beach, his hand fervently grasping her ass. And the tropical love-scene fades to the VALTREX, genital herpeshelp.com ad! Lust begins with a burning desire and ends with a burning sensation…

When we return, Nikkole is preaching, "All of us were SHOCKED with the situation with Catherine and Brian." I sigh, even now, lo these many days later, just writing about it. Can you imagine what a nightmare it would be to have such a judgmental, hypocritical lump of shit in your life, on any level? In the footsteps of many preachers before her, Nikkole lasciviously proceeds to grind Tommy New York in front of God and t.v. audiences everywhere, and then in front of Kelly and whoever her guy is. (There's a whole group sex ambiance to the TI2 set-up. Producer brainstorm results in fewer rooms for more sexpots. Rupert Murdoch must be proud.) Then Kelly fucks someone. I don't know whom. "You don't want a toothbrush?" the guy asks her. Maybe he should have offered some VALTREX or ALDARA. Kelly says to the camera, "the hardest part is reminding myself I'm here to be single." Doesn't look too hard. Also, seems like the hardest part is between your little date's legs.

* * *

Cut to Shannon crying by herself while across the island her boyfriend is fucking Nayla. The next morning all the coupled girlsluts feel guilty and wet blanket Shannon condemns their fun. What emotional freaks we have here.

* * *

Cut again to bonfire with the boys, and videos of their girlfriends in intimate moments. Gayboy Mark says, "no video". Slutboy Mundo says, "no video". Newborn slutboy Johnny watches virtuous girlfriend's business heal over. (She indulges in a little suggestive dancing, and THAT'S ALL.) His mouth says, "Shannon's partying. That's my achilles heel." But his eyes say, "That aint nothin' compared to what I done!" Slutboy Tommy watches Nikkole's body shot. He doesn't know how lucky he is not to see the bump and grind that followed! He looks very serious, the biggest pig of them all. I'm starting to feel proud of Nikkole for remaining so dowdy. Power to the pussy! Make-up free and baggy panted. All smart-mouth and no lip liner. Tommy says, "I'll tell you one thing," (and I'm paraphrasing here), "I've got some random fucking to do."

To the rest of us, that means, stay tuned…

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EPISODE 7
coverage by pinky

The highpoint, of course, was Hilary getting dissed by the reptilian Edmundo in favor of a much hotter temptress. I actually found myself feeling a little sorry for Edmundo. Here he gets sent off to paradise with a gaggle of hos and ends up messing around with the one who misunderstood the rules. Hilary went to the island to find her soulmate...what could she possibly have been smoking?!?

Catherine, meanwhile, seems to be yielding to the pleasures of the unfortunately-named Rossi. He is seen plying her with the lamest lines in history (some shit about how she is an exotic butterfly)...and she actually responds. This all really makes one wonder how badly Edmundo treats her in the real world. The poor child is desperate for any kind word she can get.

Shannon and John continue to be duller than dishwater.

Nikkole has mentally ditched her boyfriend in favor of the other Tommy, whose appeal is a total mystery. To his credit, he seems to dig her overalls, which is a good thing considering she gets ever-frumpier with each episode.

Nikkole's original Tommy is still boring.

What else of interest was there? Oh, I was thoroughly confused by the big vote-off, which left each group with only the four couple-halves and five tempters. That seemed too cut-and-dried, so I was thrilled to see a whole new batch of sluts arrive at the end of the show. I didn't have any recollection of it, but some of them were part of the original band-o-sluts who got voted off early on. Whatever. Now there is once again a nice big batch of them to choose from. Goody.

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EPISODE 6

The show opens with very weepy women. Last week there was a discussion group on the official T2 site entitled "Look into my cold dead eyes", referring to Edmundo's creepy, lizardy looks and behavior. I had to laugh.

Catherine rags on the women who fawn and wiggle all over her boyfriend. "I mean, the girls look dirty. It's about respect. It's about class." What is?! Temptation Island 2? Fox TV? To paraphrase another out-of-control-slut, Andre Gide, these girls go on the show not to defend themselves but to be accused. And to paraphrase Catherine, it's about blaming others for your boyfriend's bottom-feeding behavior. And then there's the part of me that wonders how shimmer blue Maybelline eyeshadow fits into the classy, respectful categories.

The coupled women continue bitching all the way back to their boy-filled huts. Nikkole complains about the girls on the other side of the island to the single guys, "It looked like they were having a who-could-be-the-best-slut contest!" That got the guys' attention. They were splayed on their stomachs across the beds, hiding erections after that one. I saw the little thought march across their faces: "Dude, we're on the WRONG side of the island." Or alternately, "I wish Nikkole would stop with the talking and take off her shirt."

Cut to Catherine telling the camera, "I think everyone around the camp had known that I'd been protecting him, except me." I like it! The truth shall set you free, girl. Even as my heart soared for her bright, Edmundo-free future, I sniggered in my sleeve watching the single guy wipe away her tears, assuring her, "You're strong. You're better than that." You know what he was really thinking: "You're vulnerable. You'll be straddling me like a rodeo cowboy within the hour."

Next we join the coupled guys as they return from bonfire. They are all mopey, too. What is that, human emotion on the boyfriends? I didn't think they had it in them. Hmmm. No, I was mistaken. They were concerned about Tony's disappearance and not the hot oil tag-team massages on their girlfriends' side of the isle.

Some of the single women get time in front of the camera so they can bitch about Tony running off and accepting Gen's proposal. I gotta tell you, sometimes it warms my heart to see women behaving as badly as men. My aorta was feeling all warm and fuzzy as Donna and some other hot-buttered biscuit complain about evil, conniving, clingy old marriage getting in the way of their whoring.

Next let-me-whip-this-out-Edmundo forlornly contemplates the abrupt loss of his teammate Tony. Can he spell "latent homosexuality"? Do they teach that at bartending school? Isn't that always the way with the most promiscuous people? They stick it in so many holes because they're not being honest about the kind of hole they really want. Cut back to Shannon weeping over the loss of Gen. "Coming on this show, my biggest fear was being alone." Maybe your biggest fear should be appearing as a t.v. freak/jack-ass in front of millions? Just a thought. Her whining bugs me. I can't believe Johnny isn't fully cheating on her yet.

Cut to Rossi reacting to Gen's removal from the island. He says, "I think we're gonna see…(pause) some things changing." I thought for sure he was going to wrap up that sentence with "wet, split beaver". I guess he self-edited. Or got a warning look for the cameraman, or the producer in the crawlspace under the floor boards.

The next morning we're treated to a wake-up shot of huge, bouncing, turquoise-clad tits on horseback. A new couple has arrived. Nikkole, Shannon and Catherine are threatened. And they should be. Kelley is a good time girl with a willing smile and a set of mammary's from here to the Barbary coast. Nikkole wears a sour expression and overalls, for god's sake. I guess she misunderstood when they told her she was coming on the show to tend a banana plantation. Let me be clear: Bikinis are NOT optional.

Now let's take a moment to welcome Kelley and Mark. I haven't checked the website yet, but these two have to be straight out of West Hollywood. She loves the manicured lawns in the neighborhood and he loves the gay bars. He's a cop, for christ's sake. I picture him in pink speedos, a gunbelt and an Indian headdress commanding EVERYONE on his side of the island to assume the position. "Don't struggle and I won't hurt you!" I hear they have the right to remain silent, just like his obedient, big-titted girlfriend who only came on this show because Mark wanted to dick around.

Cut back to Kelley's arrival at breakfast. ME-OW. The girls are all kinds of jealous, and it's a man-repellent. The guys ricochet off the unattractive looks on Nik, Cath & Shan and head straight into the double-D arena of the new girl. The guys jump Kelley like starving jackals. The girls treat her like the last cannibal at the party - they give her the cold shoulder. There's not a gracious one in the bunch. She takes a moment to introduce herself. I wish she would ditch the women immediately, don a bear-skin bikini and spin-in a circle shooting all the men with honey. This show needs a serious kick in the pants. Or maybe just a straight-up pantsing.

Kelley and Mark re-unite for their farewell dinner. It doesn't take long for her to burst into tears. Somebody slap this girl, 'cause she likes her pain. Mark makes some cruel promises. Kelley looks sad and wrinkly. Let the games begin.

When we return from our Bod Man Fragrance Spray commercial break, we join a party with the single boys. I have a friend who believes that hell is a place where there's a loud, braying stripper d.j. announcing phat strippers and playing '80s metal tunes, but then there are never any strippers. That's what this party looks/sounds like.

Boys dance out to meet Kelley. The party loves a fresh slut! She's a bartender, and clearly has the ability to play a crowd of drunk guys, no sweat. The girls react to Kelley's good times, um, I mean, threat by "staking their claim". The boys call this change in behavior "letting their hair down". And somewhere in the middle lies the truth. Suddenly Shannon's spouting about her "personal journey" and waving around a glowstick. I think Kelley brought a fat stash of E from the mainland!

I don't, however, believe that Catherine partook. She's in the hot tub with Rossi. (I think it's Rossi. All these manbos look the same to me). She's got her back to him, her hands covering her face as he repeats "trust me, trust me" over and over again. He crows to the camera, "I'm gonna take it to the finish line. I'm gonna come through the winner." "I'm gonna get 8 months in the pen for date rape," is what he should be saying. This guy wouldn't know a "winner" from a foot-long dong up his ass. But he'll learn that in the big house. "Meet me by the unlighted dumpsters, my sweet!" He grabs her face and plants a kiss on her, but she manages to escape.

Cut to the Wango Bango camp, or whatever it's called. Hilary's shown creeping into Mundo's bathroom, where he awaits her, naked with toothbrush in hand. She's thinking wistfully about how "our personality's clicked", but the t.v. audience hears only the slightly squishier sounds emanating from the bathroom. In the meantime, Mundo worries aloud that Catherine may take his dicking around too "personally". You can't get any more impersonal than fucking strangers on t.v. Where's her sense of adventure?

* * *

Next Mark W. calls together all the T2 participants, because it's dating time, and the dating dance begins, literally. Somebody shoot these loser geeks and put them out of my misery. I'm losing patience with white people who can't dance. Almost everyone makes an ass of themselves, gyrating aimlessly to a tune nobody else can hear. The worst part is that you know this is how these people are going to look when they're fucking.

The action heats up when Mundo chooses a Product Development girl over Hilary. It turns out Hilary played naked bathroom games with him for nada. Nobody but she is surprised to find he's not a gentleman. While Johnny picks his date, Shannon's got a look on her face like 20 years worth of bullshit is about to come piling up to her chin. Catherine tries desperately to catch Edmundo's cold, dead eye, but to no avail.

After the dates are picked, Marky Mark informs everyone that most people will leave the island very soon, so get in your cocksucking while you can. Then all hell breaks loose. I can't hardly follow all the slutting and weeping. Who's that with no pants? Who's that peeking through the bathroom door slats? It's just a straight-up orgy, followed by a mass evacuation. Stay tuned next week for "The Dis of our Lives."

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EPISODE 5

O.K. So far T1 and T2 have shown women to be suckers and men to be pigdogs. It's a little simple, but there may be some universal truths here. I learn everything worth knowing from t.v., like all good Americans.

Episode 5 opens with Hilary in Edmundo's bed. In her voice-over she states, "We really got 'personal' with each other." Oh, is that what kids today call hot monkey fucking? That's sweet. As the camera rolls languidly over the two of them in bed, I think I see her hand moving under the blanket. Is she getting herself off? Did Edmundo not satisfy? The camera pans out to reveal a dog asleep on the bedroom floor. Where did the dog come from? At least HE looks satisfied, in blissful slumber. This is even more debauched than I thought.

In the next segment the couples view video messages from each other. Johnny on Shannon: "She said the word 'trust' a lot and I definitely saw a lot of fear in her video. I think she's hurting JUST BECAUSE of her past relationship experiences," and not because (and I'm paraphrasing) I'm deliriously humping singles on my side of the island. Cut to Shannon on Johnny: "Short and sweet but there's something missing." Is she describing his cock 'n balls or her brain mass?

Catherine to Edmundo: "You're my prince!" Yes, yes! Her lie-down-in-any-bed-and-do-the-deed-with-t.v.-blondes prince! That's royalty for you. Real class. When he watches her message, he's got a look on his face like she just got spittle on his chin or blood on his shoes. "I trust him with my life," she says. Can we please get a million dollar policy on this girl and clean up? In his message Mundo states, "I'm having a good time (…) and want you to explore." Can we get a skank translator for this boy? Obviously this couple is the Kaya/Valerie version for Tempt 2. The scene closes with Catherine's tears dropping onto her mighty, heaving, silicone bumps. The pathetic door-mat girlfriend NEVER gets my sympathies. I hate them both, and am enjoying every minute of their mutual torture.

In the last episode, I know I made fun of our little islanders for wearing more make-up than clothes, but I gotta admit, Nikkole looks 1000% better when Avon calls. But she still moves her head and eyes like a freaked out jungle bird, which keeps her from ever being true eye-candy. In her video message, she strikes a tone like she's writing home from camp. "Dear mom & dad, I know I have to write and assure you I'm alive and well and enjoying a lot of retaliatory cock. Camp counselor Walberg is hovering whip-in-hand until I finish this letter. Blah blah blah." Let's assume that open, honest communication is not a strength in this relationship, shall we? But wait! Here comes some truth later in the message when she warns Tommy not to make a mucous membrane connection, um, I mean, "hopefully not a big connection" with his campers. He scowls at her video image. Then the scowl turns to a forced smile, and then to a real smile as his voiceover states that he's glad he didn't send her a message. Well played, dickwad! When you see 2 thoroughly mean-spirited people together, your heart swells to recognize there really is someone for everyone. And thank god they're keeping each other out of general circulation. For now. Sort of. Except for the island trysts. Plus all the other cheating they probably do. Maybe we're not so safe after all.

Tony gets the unfortunately-named Mark Walberg in person instead of his video message from Genevieve. Ouch. Intrigue. I'm dying to know what's up with that wiley dominatrix! According to the chat rooms, we should have her checked for testes. Something in her video message is so out-of-hand that Tony's not allowed to view it, and a meeting is arranged between the couple for that evening. Tony pours his bewildered, frightened heart out to girls around the pool, and I can't concentrate on his needs because the huge rack on that sympathetic brunette has all my attention. This game is tougher than I thought. I'm personally a little worried about how the drama is disrupting the flow of hard-core fucking I expect from Fox TV. Tony wanders away to be by himself, his voiceover reflecting on how he keeps his problems to himself if he can. He "doesn't want to appear weak." Here's a tip to keep you from appearing weak: lose the puka shells. Next we cut to the bonfire of broken dreams, and I can't believe they spring the lap-dance video on the girls! (Cut to Mark Walberg whose got a look on his face like a kid with a fistful of M80s at his mom's garden party.) What a bust for the boys! And it's not the moment we lose respect for those cock-based life forms either. This is where we turn up our noses at the girls, because you KNOW they're going to get tearfully back together with those sticky penises at the end of the series! Catherine keeps it together for a few beats and says of horny Mundo, "He looked like a fool." Did he? I couldn't see for all the breasts and booty in the way.

Shannon wants to watch her video alone so nobody can temper her rationalizations of bad boy behavior. She's got the desperate smile often seen stretched along the banks of De Nile. In the end, she does have something to smile about. Only double penetration could look bad after that lap dance sandwich.

But wait, with the viewing of Tommy's video, I stand corrected. He's a straight-up fuck-pig. The only person whose mouth was open wider than his was mine! My jaw hit the ground. Only yoga instructors and gynecologists get women into those positions. Last time I had to stop watching the series because I wanted to laugh at the couples, but not cry with them. Thankfully this time I'm more detached so I can just keep laughing.

Next we cut to the boyfriend bonfire. Johnny squeaks out of watching his girlfriend's candid video, but Tommy says he wants to know what Nikkole is up to. I guess you don't think to look under the bed unless you've been there. It's kind of fun to watch the guys get upset and jealous watching their girls with a man on each limb, soaking them in massage oils.

Finally Tony gets to watch Gen's video message, and it's a heartfelt marriage proposal delivered in her best Michigan yaw. Right after this series she simply must get in touch with Madonna's speech coach as a springboard to her actress/model/whatever career. But still, I'd be lying if I didn't admit, her delivery touched me. However, when she slithers into view in shiny plastic python pants, I remember where we are. It's all so sweet. It'll never last. Cue the Yanni, and the previews of the Edmundo/Hilary fuckfest. Isn't it romantic?

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EPISODE 4

Wo. Two observations strike me immediately. The people on the second Temptation Island aren't as good looking as those on Temptation 1, and they have the manners of barn animals. Dirty, horny barn animals without borders. The first Temptation Island was plenty spicy with the madonna/whore Megan & the firey skank-mistress Mandy. And who could forget the greasy (homo) boyfriend Kaya tonguing all the young singles and the lizardy good-for-nothing Andy who succeeded in skeeving out every single on the island? To top it all off, the nasty, bitey couple got kicked off for having a secret baby! Damn, that show was gooood.

With sleaze like that, you might imagine the producers wouldn't need to kick it up a notch. Recently on the Man Show, Jimmy answered an audience member's question about why fat chicks give such great head with, "Because they have to." That phrase echoed in my head as I took in a t.v. screen full of imperfect bodies and make-up caked faces. These people HAVE to suck cock. These people are going to have the morals of the ugly, which is to say, none. Oh, god. It's already the fourth episode! How many rim-jobs have I missed?

The show opens with the barren Genevieve explaining that she's done with the game and wants her man back. It's a good thing she can be counted on to scratch out the other girls' eyes. Otherwise she would be a waste of tropical air and sunshine on this show. So after stating that she no longer wants to play, she proceeds to brawl with Nikkole the next morning at a vote-off. Are they horrifying their single men with the hissy-fit cat fight? Or exciting them? Neither, I realize, as the remaining single boys embrace in a group hug. I have 3 words to say about that: gay, gay, gay!

The women viciously argue into the night, and given that this is Fox t.v., I don't doubt the tropical storm was superimposed to help glamorize the embarrassing behavior. They're surrounded by men whose model/actor/whatever careers depend on their ability to please some or all of these women, and they're busy bitch-slapping each other! Where are your priorities, girlfriends? Get your toes sucked! Make them shampoo your hair! Take advantage, why don't you?

In another priceless Fox moment, Temptation 2 breaks for a Genital Wart commercial. Hey, they know their target audience.

Next the boy-halves of the couples get their turn to vote off single women. Before I even had a chance to read up on the last 3 episodes and see what a jackass John is, I find myself laughing at his backwards, upside-down visor. He looks like he's got a 50's diner sign shooting out the back of his head. He and his doormat girlfriend seem like a reprise of the Temptation 1 Shannon/Andy couple.

The highlight of this section was when Tony kicked off Meredith and her uninvited tongue and hand action. Then she turns around and calls him a straight-up pussy (or something to that effect). That shit-talking gets me riled up every time.

After the vote-offs, all the couples and singles get together to choose dates. I had to laugh when Tommy picked that fatty good time girl. His girlfriend doesn't even have enough body fat to push two lumps together for boobys.

All the dates seemed pretty dull and everyone pretends to have a good time. It wasn't until Edmundo got under the night-vision video with Hilary the harlot that things heated all the way up. No matter how gross the participants, it's still thrilling to watch people start out shyly at two separate edges of a bed, and then end up, ass in hand, hard-wired for action.

Whew. Makes my behavior seem downright proper. Thanks Temptation Island 2!

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